The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three
o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he
answers "Did you help him?" she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course), gets
dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still
there?" "Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

What you used to love now, you're gonna adore. With Charmin Ultra, less is more. Cha Cha Cha, Charmin.

 

Wipe ya ass, wash ya self.

LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gotta love the sweet little girls ...lol